How to Understand Your Kids When Dating as a Single Parent

New Team
In the post, What Your Kids Wish You Knew about Divorce, kids shared some thoughts about their parents dating. It is difficult to share a parent with another adult when, for a time, there has only been a mom or dad and siblings in the home. In the long run, having two adults may make it easier for kids to be kids, but it often feels like a loss to them at first. Some kids feel that they are a team with the parent in a single-parent home. When another adult comes on the scene the kids may feel like they are getting kicked off the team and replaced by the new adult. Remember, kids lose power and influence when another adult joins the family. Now their parent is negotiating with another adult and the adults as a team are setting the expectations for the family. This seems to be a particular issue in single-parent and only-child homes. Adding a second adult to the home might heighten the child’s fear that they will lose their parent to another adult, especially if one parent has moved away or has minimal involvement in the child’s life. In these situations the children already have an experience of parent abandonment.

Do This First
When you decide to start dating, first get to know the person away from your children. This is easier in a shared-parenting situation when you have predictable times that your children are with the other parent. Even if this is not your situation, you can make it happen with the help of family, friends, and babysitters. It helps to not introduce the new partner until it looks like the relationship is likely to be long-term or permanent, which takes a while to discern. If you believe the relationship has long-term potential, the key to success is introducing the person to your children gradually.Children are sensitive to seeing another adult do things with their parent or in their home that they are accustomed to seeing the absent parent do. It is natural that your children will, at some level, blame the new person for ruining their life. Consider your child’s feelings and give them time. In cases where the previous marriage has ended because of an affair, be particularly cautious so your children can develop a positive relationship with your new partner.

If your partner has children too, move slowly to introduce the children to each other. Focus on getting to know the children, building a relationship, and understanding how your dating partner’s family rules work. DO NOT start out the relationship by helping discipline or set rules. Having your kids meet a new person and potential step-siblings at a sleepover is not the way to do it, nor is having the kids meet your new partner when they get up for breakfast likely to start the relationship off on a good note. A family meal or fun activity for a couple of hours would both be good places to start.

How to balance single parenting and dating.

Consider the Children
You may have been waiting for months or years to move on with your life, but this is a new thing for your children and the world as they know it has just come to an end. Be sensitive. This is true whether your children are eight or twenty-eight. A new adult in the home means that there are changes. Rules, expectations, and habits change, and it is difficult to negotiate these changes between two adults. The adjustment is exponentially more difficult with each extra person in the mix. Children may resent changes, especially when they feel a loss of power and control in their world.

Young adults are adults; however, once their parents divorce or a parent dies, going home is never what it used to be. They need support to develop a new sense of home. Adult children may think they will be OK with a parent dating, and you may think they should be OK, but often it is just as hard for a twenty-something as it is for a younger child.

How to Avoid Another Loss
If the dating relationship does not work out and children have bonded with the new boyfriend or girlfriend, you need to remember that every breakup is a loss for the child. Remember a good way to avoid multiple losses for your children is wait until the relationship appears to have long term potential, before introducing your children to your new friend.  Secondly once the children have been introduced to your new friend, move slowly.  This will avoid an additional loss for your children and considerable family drama, because grieving often contributes to emotional drama and for most of us raising children is enough drama.

If you have dated as a parent or know someone who has, what worked for you or them? 
Please share if you found this post helpful.