1. Let Go of Control
(or have it ripped from your bloodied hands while you scream, “No, No, No!”).
I would like to tell you a warm and fuzzy story about how I let go of control from a peaceful Zen-like place. But that would be a lie. I like to be in control. I like to have a plan and I like the plan to be followed. I like the train to run on time. At least, that is how I used to be; truth be told I am still more like that than I usually admit. My first lesson in motherhood was that I am not in control. Life does not happen on my schedule or according to my plan. In this area I am a slow learner, so I have needed this lesson many times. Accepting the absence of control is the best thing you can do for yourself. The birth of my first child rapidly brought this and other truths to light.
2. Messy
It was a beautiful summer day and we were expecting our first child in seven weeks. We were discussing my husband going to a meeting on the other side of the state and decided that Katie (the name we had given the girl we were expecting) and I would be just fine while he was gone for the week. A few minutes later, my water broke. Because my child was not supposed to be born for several weeks, it took me a while to figure out that was what was going on. Lesson two: parenting starts out messy and keeps getting messier for years.
3. Life No Longer Happens on My Schedule.
After a night in the hospital with very little sleep, nothing much was happening. The amniotic sac quit leaking. I thought I would leave and go to work. (Why not? All I was doing was lying in bed and I had things to do!) The doctor told me in no uncertain terms that I would not be leaving the bed until I had the baby. It was way too early so they would do nothing to start labor and nothing to stop it. They would closely monitor me. Oh, and I would be on a liquid diet indefinitely, which is not good news for a hungry, tired, pregnant woman.
After another day and night our son was born. Yes, I said son. They made a mistake when looking at the ultrasound picture. We had a boy. I heard a loud cry, which was encouraging because I had been told his lungs would not be working. I asked the pediatrician what my son’s Apgar score was. He said brusquely, “Don’t worry about it. The next one [cry] will not be as good.” The doctor was right. That was the last sound my baby made for weeks. His lungs were not developed and they collapsed with the first cry.
4. Sometimes I Need More Help than I Think.
(It is best to accept it graciously.)
I had dreamed of cuddling my newborn, but he was whisked away to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU). I fell asleep in exhaustion before they allowed me to see him and it was many days before I could hold him. When I woke they offered me a wheelchair, which I was sure was unnecessary, to make it down the hall to the intensive care nursery. When I saw my baby hooked up to all of those tubes I almost passed out. My knees buckled and I could not stop crying. I needed that wheelchair to make it back to my room. I realized then there was nothing I could do for him. I needed to trust the skill of the nurses and doctors.
Letting go of control, understanding that I no longer control my schedule and that life is messy, and accepting help graciously were tough lessons in the first days of parenting. But as any parent knows, we get those lessons over and over again.
Kristen who writes at Practical Mommy has a great article for new moms who are breastfeeding in 10 Things All Breastfeeding Moms Need. She tells you about several things that will make sticking to breastfeeding easier.
What are some things you learned in the early days of being a parent?
Hi, I’m Tamara the creator of Empowered Single Moms, a single mom, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) and the author of Thriving a Single Mom’s Guide to a Happy, Positive Life and Thriving a Single Mom Journal. I have a solo private psychotherapy practice where I treat anxiety, depression, and relationship issues.
As a member of the Empowered Single Moms community, I believe you can stop carrying the weight of the world alone and build a life you love. Join my mailing list and get 5 Keys to Single Mom Success.
Oh that made me tear up. What a way to become a Mummy. I’m so sorry that you’ve had such a traumatic time and hope your little one is doing well. You’ve done so well to be writing it down as it can’t be easy. I would find it very hard to hand control over but as you say, you had no choice. As for Katie being a boy. Wow! That must be making binding so different. I had bonded with my son and his name so much before his birth that it would be like starting all over again. Just as wonderful and special but a tricky process. I hope you get to enjoy him at home soon
Hannah, thanks for the kind thoughts. My little one is now a 24 year old man. He is doing well in every way, but the beginning of our journey together was quite a roller coaster. Tamara
Wow this must of been such a hard time !!
It was, I would not have chosen it, but looking back I learned a lot and mostly we made it through. Tamara
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Thanh, I am glad you found the information helpful
Tamara
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lot.
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My second was in CICU for nineteen days. It was horrible. It’s true; there’s so many things you can’t control. You don’t realize how much of your life you have to give up for a newborn.
Susan, I think it would be even harder to have a baby in the hospital, when you have a little one at home, but we survive to thrive.
Tamara
Hey, kilelr job on that one you guys!
Thanks, Shermaine
I’m a preemie mom too! These points are all very insightful ways of looking at the experience. I learned so many things in those first few days that have helped me along the journey as a parent.
Brittany, being a preemie mom is like being in a club. We start out our journey differently and often learn some of the lessons sooner.
Tamara
So sorry you had to go through this. It must have been really tough. I’ve learned that it doesn’t get easier; you just get better at it.
One Awesome Momma
Belle, It was over 20 years ago and by age 5 he was a healthy kid. So life did get easier for us.
Tamara
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Dannielle, Aww you are so sweet. Thank-you
Excellent article.