I Hate Living With My Parents After My Breakup

I listened to her story as she wept. The number one theme, “I hate that I am living with my parents after my breakup. Life is just not fair.”

 

She was angry because her parents weren’t treating her like an adult. She left the father of her children and had no place to go, so she moved back in with her parents. That was a year ago. She felt stuck in a dead-end job. This single mom felt living with her parents unfairly inhibited her dating. She was in her early thirties and was angry that she didn’t have her own place.

She was never married to the father of her children and he rarely saw them. He said he would help out financially, but his idea of helping out with the 2 kids was to drop off an occasional package of diapers.

She was depressed, lonely and felt trapped in her unhappy life. She was focused on what her baby daddy, could do and should do. Focused on what her parents were doing wrong. How unfair it was that she had little money and life was passing her by.

She was sad because it seemed like “everyone else” her age had a better situation. They had a great husband or boyfriend and a career or were stay at home moms being financially supported by their husband.

How to Change Your Life After a Breakup

1. Stop comparing your REAL life to someone else’s Instagram life
2. Accept what you can’t change
3. Be grateful
4. Identify what you can change
5. Work with the persistence of a toddler learning to walk to change what you can

Comparison Steals Your Joy

When we compare our life to what we see of someone else’s life we are comparing the inside of our life to the outside Facebook, Instagram version of someone else’s life. The outside of someone else’s life always looks better than the inside. You don’t really know what their life is like. Most people show the best of their life not all of their life. As for Facebook and Instagram that is the highlight reel of someone’s life.

When you compare the outside highlight reel of someone’s life to the messy middle of your life you will usually come away feeling cheated and sad. So don’t compare. If you admire someone else’s life take it as inspiration. If she can have a life she loves so can you.

Sometimes when you are a newly single mom living with your parents is a wonderful solution. You will save money and have other adults to help with the work of taking care of the kids. This can give you the breathing room to go back to school or find a better job so that you can support your family on your own.

Acceptance

There are things in life you can not change. There are other things you have the power to change. As the serenity prayer says wisdom is knowing the difference. You have little control over what other people do, especially the person who used to be a romantic partner. Focusing on trying to change him is a waste of precious time and energy. 

If the children are unsafe with him, do everything you can to keep them safe. If it is not a safety issue pick your battles and let it go.

As a single mom, you have more to do than time to do it, so you will need to prioritize and make trades. There will be things that are not that important that you will need to let go of because you only have 24 hours in a day and 6-9 of those hours you will need to be sleeping in order to function. Most experts say you need 7-9 hours of sleep and that is probably true, but I often traded an hour of sleep for an hour to be awake and have me time when no one was asking for anything of me. Maybe not the best decision some nights, but we are all just doing the best we can.

Gratitude

The woman I was talking to said, “I know you are going to say I should be grateful, but……………..

There are no buts to the need to focus on gratitude. Focusing on gratitude makes more difference than you can imagine if you haven’t tried it.

If you are living with your parents even though it is hard, you can be grateful they are providing you a home. Do you have a bed, running water, electricity? All of these things are worthy of gratitude.

A friend’s wise reminder changed my attitude

I remember vividly one day when I was feeling particularly sorry for myself and I just wanted someone to join me in a tiny little pity party.  Well to be honest what I really wanted was a doozy of a pity party with a cake, pinata, some sparklers and fireworks would have been awesome.  I ran into a single mom acquaintance I hadn’t seen for a while I thought I had my pity party partner. Predictably she asked how I was doing. I did not say the socially acceptable “fine, busy, good how about you?”. 

 “I’m tired, not having my best week” I complained. She looked at me with empathy, compassion and sweetness then asked a couple of questions I will never forget: “Tamara, do you have water to drink at your house?” 

I looked at her confused, “Yes”

“And did you have to walk a mile to the river to bring that water back in a bucket?”

“No”

“Then you have a lot to be grateful for”

Such a simple interaction that took about a minute, but a conversation I remember when I start to feel sorry for myself and that life isn’t fair. 

It makes me think of so many people whose life is so much harder than mine. I have my health and there are so many aspects of that to be grateful for. Running water, electricity to power lights, stove, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, a furnace that works to keep the house warm even at 60 below zero wind chill are all blessings that make our lives so much easier. I have a dependable car, which is no small thing. When I start to go through this list of things that I usually take for granted I look at my life through different eyes.

When I see all that I have to be grateful for it gives me more energy. I am more able to see options and possibilities. 

Now when I start to feel sorry for myself and the unfairness of like I remind myself “I didn’t need to walk a mile to the river or to the city well to carry my water home in a bucket” and I smile. It may seem like a silly thing to think about, but it has a remarkable power to reorient me and change my attitude. I have a whole scenario of how much better my life is than it could be if a simple task like getting water took so much of my time and effort.

Do not skip gratitude it has remarkable power in raising your energy level.

Identify your options

Once you have focused on getting yourself into a state of gratitude it will free you to see where you have power and own that power. Once you are in touch with your power it will be easier for you to see your options. Take out a piece of paper and brainstorm ways you can change your life for the better. Not what someone else could or should do.

Life isn’t fair and honestly, if it were fair we would probably have a harder life than we do or at least that is what I think when I focus on not needing to go to the river to get my water or gather wood for my fire.

If  You Hate Living with Your Parents You Need Persistence

You may be tempted to give up and think this is just too hard. “I have no choice I am trapped”. Watch a toddler learning to walk on their week wobbly legs. They first pull themselves up and walk holding onto the couch, but they fall many times. Eventually, they take a tottering step and we cheer like they are a rock star. They fall, and fall and fall finally they can take several steps at a time.

Those toddlers are persistent. They keep trying and keep falling until one day they are able to walk across the room. Toddlers work at walking relentlessly. They don’t think in their little 10-month-old brain, “well I guess walking just isn’t for me” I am doomed to crawl for the rest of my life because I am just tired of working so hard and failing so often” 

No, of course, they don’t say that they keep working and keep trying. We keep encouraging them and eventually, they are able to walk like the majority of other humans on the planet.

So you must have the persistence of a toddler learning to walk or wanting that shiny toy when they are tired and you are taking too long in the store.

Don’t Give Up

There is no reason to give up just keep going. Analyze your situation, where you are, what your strengths are and where you want to be. Then start taking baby steps to get there. I put together a guide to help you.

So if you hate living with your folks, stop focusing on what everyone else can do or should do. Even though they probably can and maybe should do something else you have no control over them and what they do. You do have control over you and what you do. So decide what kind of life you want, be grateful for what you have. Make a plan to get from where you are to where you want to be. 

Where there is a will there is a way–William Hazlitt

The way may not be an easy to find paved superhighway. It may be a trail or you may need to make your own trail through the woods, but you can support yourself and your kids. You can move out of your parents’ house. It will be difficult at first, but like all things the more you work at something the easier it gets. So start your journey today. Time will pass whether you are sitting still or moving forward.