Overcoming loneliness is never easy, but the loneliness of being single after divorce nearly crushed me. Fortunately, it also taught me a few things. How do you overcome loneliness after divorce? Keep reading. Let me share what I now know.
I felt lost and isolated. I was losing the life I knew, my husband, and the father of my children. But that was not the worst loss.
The Most Painful Loss
The most painful loss of all, the one that made the loneliness almost unbearably heavy, was that I had lost my best friend. I grieved that loss. My husband had been my best friend for almost 20 years.
I suppose my best friend had been leaving me bit by bit for months, but the separation made it real in a new, more painful way. It was a pain that took my breath away and made it hard to get out of bed.
I felt pathetic. I probably was pathetic, truth be told. I was browsing in a bookstore and this book nearly fell into my hand. Click here and get the book for yourself. I started reading it and realized yes someone has been here before and they know the way out of this misery. Reading it was the beginning of feeling better for me.
Spoiler alert: I made it through those dark days. I overcame the loneliness of being single again. So can you. I made a private Facebook group just for you. Join the group, Empowered Single Mom Tribe by clicking here.
The loneliness after divorce can be part of grief and sadness, and it can even venture into depression. The ideas below will help you cope with the pain of loneliness after divorce.
Start this free 5 Day Thriving at Life Challenge
But first, here’s a little bit about the underlying emotional state that makes it difficult to deal with that crushing loneliness.
Sometimes your ex wil confuse the situation by saying he wants to be friends. Ask yourself what does he really want? This may not be what it seems he may mean something different by this than you do.
Being kind and respectful is one thing considering him a friend and sharing too much information is not a wise choice.
What is Grief?
Grief is the natural reaction to loss. You can experience grief after any type of loss, not just death and divorce.
You may experience grief after a job loss, when you lose a physical ability due to an accident, or through the aging process. Often, when people have a child with a disability they grieve the dream of the healthy child they had hoped for.
In divorce, one of the most difficult griefs is not the loss of the relationship you had, but the loss of the relationship you dreamed of having. This can be more painful than the loss of what was.
If you don’t know how to help a grieving friend, if your friends don’t know how to help you, and/or you don’t even know what to ask, I have some ideas for you.
11 Journal Prompts to Get Over a Breakup
Single Moms Journaling Prompts to Improve Mental Health
How to Help a Grieving Friend
Don’t shy away from friends who are grieving. They probably want to connect.
When we are grieving, we want to know that we are not alone. Invite a grieving friend to do something like go to a movie, play, or concert. In these scenarios, there’s little pressure to visit but they will benefit from companionship.
Invite your grieving friend for coffee or lunch. She probably needs to eat; often we lose our appetites during grief.
If the grief is due to a death, sharing a memory of the deceased is often a comfort.
Understand that sometimes there is nothing you can say to make it better. Sometimes, it is about being with the hurting person. Simply being able to be together in a peaceful silence can be incredibly comforting and special to a hurting person. Really listening is one of the most precious gifts you can give.
And if your friend is a hugger, offer a hug.
5 Worst Single Mom Fears (& How to Cope)
25+ Fun Things to Do By Yourself (When the Kids Are With Their Dad)
Dealing with Depression After Divorce
What Depression Feels Like
Sometimes when we are grieving we venture into the land of depression.
Depression can feel like sadness, but often depression feels more like nothingness. It feels like apathy. You just don’t much care about much of anything. It is as if you can’t feel enough to even be sad. This nothingness can be somewhat peaceful if the depression is not too severe.
Other times, the pain is overwhelming and you feel like you are lost in a deep, dark pit. There is a ladder in that dark place to help you get out, but you are so confused you not only cannot find the ladder, you begin to doubt that one exists. You aren’t really thinking straight and feel like you are in a fog.
When to Seek Help
Yet other times, the pain of depression is crushing. You don’t think you can possibly bear this pain. If this is the type of depression you are feeling, you need to work with a professional counselor.
If you are depressed for more than a few days, go see a professional. A psychotherapist/professional counselor can help you find that ladder and climb back to joy and happiness.
Related: 9 Tips to Overcome Depression
Does Depression Go Away?
There are different kinds of depression. There are people who struggle with depression that is a chronic illness. Sometimes this type of depression will go away, but other times you need to learn to manage it.
Then there is the depression that comes with a huge life stress like divorce. If you do not have a history of persistent depression and this is part of adjusting to divorce and your new life, it will most likely go away. If it persists for more than a few weeks, get professional help to avoid getting stuck in grief or depression.
The Many Faces of Loneliness After Divorce
There are many things you can do to ease the loneliness after divorce. However, the first step is to take charge of your life and make extra efforts to connect.
Types of Loneliness
Next, acknowledge that there are different kinds of loneliness. Consider what you are feeling so you can decide what actions to take.
- If you are lonely because you are disconnected from yourself, reconnect with yourself by meditating or journaling.
- If you feel disconnected spiritually, focus on strengthening your spiritual connection through prayer, study, and being involved with a spiritual community.
- There is the loneliness of wanting more connections with other people. If that is the kind of loneliness you are feeling after your divorce, reach out to friends and try new things to make new friends. There are many lonely people in the world, and the person you reach out to may need the connection as much as you do.
I am happy to say that after the initial period of depression and loneliness, I was able to rebuild my support system. I reconnected with friends, made new friends, and explored new interests. Some of these people and interests may not have come into my life had I stayed married. Watch for the new opportunities that come into your life after divorce. Those opportunities will come to you and you don’t want to let them pass.
Moms Share About Dealing with Loneliness After a Breakup
I asked the single moms in our private Facebook group, Empowered Single Mom Tribe for their advice on how to get through the loneliness after divorce. You can join the group here.
1. Reach Out to Friends When Dealing with Loneliness
“Phone a friend or meet up with one at a local place that has a play area for your kiddos. As a single mom I tend to hyper-focus on getting everything accomplished and allow my loneliness to build to the point of isolating, which is no good. I also tend to use busyness as a reason not to reach out (so as not to disturb other mommas). Don’t be afraid to reach out to other momma friends. They need wholesome adult visits too.” Naomi
“I reach out regularly to groups of friends and other single moms. I keep asking frequently because we’re all so busy it’s never the same group of yes’s and no’s, so it stays interesting but everyone gets a regular invite. I just text or message group on Facebook ‘Who wants a ladies night out for dinner on so and so night?’ and whoever says yes is told what restaurant to meet at. I usually give 2-3 days notice, and at least 2-4 ladies meet up with me at a time.” Miriam“Texting friends at night when I have time to sit down.” Brenda
2. Try New Things to Meet New Friends After Divorce
The women in the Empowered Single Mom Tribe had some wonderful ideas of new things to try to make new friends.
- “It comes in waves for me. When it hits I soon realize I am better off alone. I throw myself into a project or focus on a new goal.” Kryssy
- “Join a book club.” Colleen
- “Join a mom group. In my community, we meet once a month. Sign up to be team mom (not all the time) for my son’s teams, I get to know other team parents. Introduce myself to other team parents, Scout parents, school parents. Belong to a church in our community. Joined Facebook craft groups. I learned all moms, married and single deal with loneliness and feeling isolated.” Brenda
- “Participate in community/volunteer work. Altruistic activities, giving to others, is a super way to get your mind off your own situation and help others. It’s a win-win. Everyone benefits.” Jennifer
3. Get a Pet to Cope with Loneliness
“Get a couple dogs!” Quincy There are options for premade dog houses, because building my own is just not my thing, at least not yet.
“We adopted a lab mix in Aug. Great to come home to her, and have met a lot of neighbors when we are out walking. And she adds so much love to our home.” Brenda
4. Reconnect with Yourself After Divorce
“Meditate.” Colleen
How to Deal with Loneliness After Divorce
It may feel like loneliness will crush you, but let me assure you it will not. Loneliness is temporary. Like any other kind of healing, feeling connected and happy after divorce takes time. Use the tips above to speed up the healing process and find your new normal.
Related: 5 Steps to Get Over Your Ex and 4 Things to Not Do
Hi, I’m Tamara the creator of Empowered Single Moms, a single mom, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LICSW) and the author of Thriving a Single Mom’s Guide to a Happy, Positive Life and Thriving a Single Mom Journal. I have a solo private psychotherapy practice where I treat anxiety, depression, and relationship issues.
As a member of the Empowered Single Moms community, I believe you can stop carrying the weight of the world alone and build a life you love. Join my mailing list and get 5 Keys to Single Mom Success.
Yes, the grief in the early days of divorce can be overwhelming. But I’ve found that this season is a blessing in disguise! An opportunity to rediscover my purpose and learn to really love me again. Other mamas (single and married) are great for community and support.But it’s critical to learn to be happy alone during this season.
I am so glad you can see the positive in this season of life.