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What Your Kids Wish You Knew About Divorce

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Have you ever wondered what your kids with divorced parents wanted their parents to know? As a single mom, I worried that divorce would ruin my kids’ lives.
I have often wondered what kids would tell parents who are divorcing, so I decided to ask several kids who have two homes (mom’s house & dad’s house). I told a few of them I started a blog and that I wanted to share their thoughts with you. They were very generous with their responses.
 

Schedule for Kids with Divorced Parents

There was a variety of opinions about what type of schedule was best. Why not give the kids some say in the schedule? Some kids like to switch often so that they never go more than two or three days without seeing each parent.
 
Other kids prefer to spend a week at a time with each parent so they do not have to move their stuff back and forth so often. If this seems like too long without seeing your child, one option is to have dinner together one night during the other parent’s week. If you do this, make it part of the schedule so everyone knows what to expect and the kids know when they will see the parent they are not living with that week.
 
Other thoughts about schedules included:”If at all possible, I want equal time with both parents.””Schedule stuff ahead of time and let the other parent know, or it won’t happen. I do not like missing out, because one of my parents did not let the other parent know soon enough, that there was a trip or some other fun thing he/she wanted me to be able to do.”
 
“I was afraid I would lose one of my parents. It helped to know when I would see them next.”“Some of my friends spend the summer at their dad’s and go all summer without seeing their friends. That is really hard and it would be better if they could have some time with friends in the summer too. Even a week or two would be helpful.”

 What Kids Wish You Knew About Maintaining Continuity

Calls to the other parent and moving a favorite toy, stuffed animal, or blanket were common rituals that eased the anxiety of separation and moving between houses.“My two homes are very different. It helps to have something that is the same.
 
For me, I touch base to talk about my day or say good night to the parent who I am not with.”“When I was younger it helped that I had my favorite stuffed animal at both places. It went back and forth in my backpack.”
 
 
“It helped to have something that reminded me of Dad at Mom’s house and something that reminded me of Mom at Dad’s house.”“Make sure you keep track of where your clothes are. Sometimes I end up with no jeans at one parent’s house and all of my jeans at the other parent’s house. It helps to have a few extra clothes so that doesn’t happen. I know it seems this is impossible, but it happens.”
 
Keeping track of clothes was a common concern with kids who live in two places. Another thing that eases the anxiety about this is parents who are flexible and live close enough to each other that kids can stop at the other house to get things when needed.
divorce advice from kids
 

Hurting

Just as parents are often afraid they will lose their children to the other parent, kids are afraid they will lose one or both parents. Many kids have friends who were abandoned by a parent after divorce. You can address this fear by assuring them that even though you are divorcing, both parents will always be there for the child. Keep your word on this. Having a child is a lifelong commitment.“Your kids are hurting more than they let on.

They are not telling you everything because they do not want you to feel bad.”“When my mom had a new baby, I was afraid my step-dad wouldn’t love me anymore because now he had his own kid.”“I was afraid one parent would think I was too much trouble and just tell the other parent he/she could just keep me.”

Conflict Between Divorced Parents

Some parents are so angry that they try to punish their ex-partner by blocking contact with the children. Unless the other parent is abusive or neglectful, the daggers being thrown at the other parent are going through the children. A regular schedule or the ability to call the other parent also helps with knowing both parents will be there for the child.

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“Try not to be mad at each other. Do not fight in front of us; that is the worst. Do not talk bad about the other parent. I love both of my parents. It makes me feel bad to hear someone talk bad about them, especially the other parent.”

“Do not try and buy your kid. It makes the other parent look bad. It causes more conflict and it makes kids materialistic. Some of my friends’ parents do this and it is just not good. I am glad my parents did not do this. I feel lucky for that.”

This book is one of the best resources for co-parenting.

Another great resource is the free private Facebook group I made just for single moms like you. We’d love to have you join us in Empowered Single Mom Tribe.

Related: How to Get What You Want in Divorce Mediation

Step-Parents and Dating Parents

“Consider our feelings and give us some time to get used to a new person.”

“I hated seeing a new woman in my house doing things my mom used to do.”

“Do not push a new person on your kids. In time they will probably warm up to the new person. I did.”

“If kids have a concern about a step-parent, listen to them; do not brush their concern away. They may see something you do not because you are in love.”

Related: Sick of Feeling Like You Need to Compete with the Kids’ Dad?

Most Important Thing for Divorced Parents to Know

Several kids stressed this idea as the most important thing that they wanted their parents to know: Kids will be OK after a divorce. It is incredibly hard, but they will be OK. They may even discover a thing or two they like.

“I thought it was the end of the world, but it turned out for the better. My parents are so much happier and that is better for me.”

“I thought it would be worse, but my life got better when my parents divorced. I had two happy homes instead of one unhappy one.”

“I like that I get to celebrate birthdays and holidays twice.”

No one grows up planning to get divorced or marries thinking, “Oh, if this does not work out I will just get divorced.” The most common thing I hear when people are in the process of divorce is, “I never thought it would happen to me.” Divorce is incredibly painful even in the best of situations. It destroys the world as both adults and kids know it. But there will be a new day. We do heal and life can be even better than before.

For more information get tips to Co-Parenting Peacefully, You Can’t Live Together.

If you are raising a two-home kid, ask them what advice would they give to other parents who are divorcing? Did you hear something you did not know in the kid’s advice?

You may also enjoy:

5 Worst Single Mom Fears (& How to Cope)

 Professional Advice for Single Mothers Raising Sons, Guaranteed to Help

12 Books to Read When You First Get Divorced

Insights You Need to Make Single Parent Holidays Wonderful


kids & divorce

 

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Jordan Guthrie

    This is amazing I was raised in two homes and I wish this article had been around when my parents divorced this is a great read for parents and kids of two homes

    Reply

  2. Kirsten

    This is really great. Not everyone has access to this great advice. I was lucky enough to have a mandatory class in the process of my divorce and separation. My kids took the divorce pretty hard and needed some counseling after.

    Reply

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